Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
You Might Also Like
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?