So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
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mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!