10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
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I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?