Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
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the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
This is my pinned tweet
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
*pronounces patio like ratio
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.