If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
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Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.