Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
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Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.