i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
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me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
How to properly lift a body
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.