Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
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*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Catercrombie & Fish
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Had an epiphany today.
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not