Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
{to my new cat} i need you to kill this rat. u are the king of the jungle. u got this homie
{after watching an episode of tom and jerry} forget everything i just said. stay away from that rat. he’s going to kill you with a piano.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
nature’s most graceful animal
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t
my chupacabra don’t want none unless you got goats, hon
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.