I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
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*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
I am laughing way too hard at this.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
I’m confused about plants
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.