I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
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The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?