My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
You Might Also Like
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
My wife has the worst taste in men.
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?