Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
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My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Please do it!
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
True
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc