ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
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Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Breaking news:
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
accurate
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff