Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
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I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.