[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
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Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”