Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
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If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms