Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
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Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.
Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
this is 10/10 content no notes
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.