doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
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A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”