Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
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Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
I hope google does well on my son’s test
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
S/o to @funTweeters .
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
I can’t wait!
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.