8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
You Might Also Like
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*