When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
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Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
My dad’s shop teacher cut off another finger while demonstrating how he accidentally cut off the first one. It reminds of the second time I got married.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
“OMGJK” -atheists
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot