9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I was bored.
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel