Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
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Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday