Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
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He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
April 1st is the class clown of days.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text