Netflix and you sit over there.
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My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Fluff me with a fork baby
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”