Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
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This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.