Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
You Might Also Like
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.