[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
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The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.