Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
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Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
work smarter, not harder
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.