*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
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The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
a badder mouse
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Ugh but profoundly
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.