[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
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I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!