WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
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[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Never forget.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.