society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
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Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.
Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before