Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
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According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Bond. Trauma bond.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT