Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
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When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
The Struggle
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.