*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
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He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.