Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
You Might Also Like
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Möther may I have a snäck
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show