How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
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The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
it is time once again
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir