goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
If you hear a suggestive *zzzzip* in the middle of the night, mind your business. I’m just opening a bedside string cheese.
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.