A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
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If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.