[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
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when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
So if Mary had baby Jesus, and baby Jesus was the Lamb of God…
Did Mary have a little lamb?
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.