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Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Today’s homeschooling Google searches:
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.