I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
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a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Cheer up.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.