Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
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Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.