“A little help here, Danny?”
You Might Also Like
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Still cracks me up
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.