Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
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“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”