ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
You Might Also Like
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel