My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
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Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me