I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
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My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Phones down.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no